he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
