oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
