dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
