I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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