Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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