Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
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I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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