seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
