You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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