I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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