how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
