Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
