i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
