dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
