dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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