you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
