margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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