Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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