So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
