Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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