The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
