the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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