question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
