How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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