I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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