I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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