I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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