you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
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Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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