shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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