So gin and wine won't be happening again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
