aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
