So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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