why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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