Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just cropdusted the office
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
