I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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