you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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