So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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