hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
