literally had 100 drinks last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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