he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
