Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
