omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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