I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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