Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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