Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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