There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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