I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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