Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
