Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
