i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
