Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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