remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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