FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
