if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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