The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Of course I have a pirate flag
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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