Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
