I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.