U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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