I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
