don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
