I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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